Strength

Sometimes, I don't feel like I can do it anymore.
Be positive
be patient
be loving
be tidy
be supportive
be nice
be the person i want to be.

Sometimes I want to eat whatever I want as much as I want and not exercise will power
and not exercise at all.

Sometimes I can hold it together for a long time.  Keep my families emotional bank full, take care and nurture everyone else's emotions, hold on.  Because I know I have a lot to be grateful for.  I know that.

Then, sometimes, I fall apart.  Something, one thing, happens, and the damn breaks.  The emotions come rushing out.  All the emotions that have been stored up inside, all the emotions that I take from my children, my husband, my friends.

Some people can immediately let emotions go.  I hold on to them.  Forever.  If something mildly upsetting happens to me, I think about it for days, months after.  A guy flipped me the finger while driving.  I still think about that;  "If only I could have told him what I was doing, explained my self, then he would not have thought bad about me and flipped me off..."
Any little thing that happens, I replay over and over.  Which is why I avoid conflict and stressful situations.  I don't want to have to think about how to smooth things over so I can avoid a moment that will be replayed and replayed.
And that kills me.  I mean it really kills me.  It drags me down, it makes me see the glass as half empty.

Do I think this is healthy?  Do you need to tell me how unhealthy this is, and how I should stop?
No, please don't.  I know it.  If I could stop, I would have done it already.  All I can say is, I am working on it.  I am working on letting go, of being more positive, of seeing all the things I have to be grateful for, of not feeling like a victim.

This morning, while I was making oatmeal for my boys, I dropped one of my favorite bowls.
It fell onto the granite counters, and shattered in a loud, ringing crash.  I thought I would be upset.  But, I wasn't.  It felt good.  Not that I wanted to break more, but it felt like something was released.  I am not perfect.  I am also not fragile and I know I have the strength to get through a lot tougher times than this.  I have pioneer woman blood in me, I know it.  I can feel it surge up anytime I think I am going to break, anytime the children wont stop fighting and lunches have to be packed and the house cleaned and we are late late late and have to go NOW!

I have to swallow my pride and return to work at a place I thought I was done with.  It did not work out for us here like we thought it would.  My year at home is ending at the half-way point.  Atticus will return to pre-school, and I to work.  We will return to the beloved home we left only 6 months ago, packing and unpacking again.

In a way, it is a fresh start, even though it is going back.  We have new ideas for our house, new ways of handling our family stress, new sense of how we want to live our lives.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is evening now, and I feel much better after my morning breaking of the bowl.  The bowl that held nothing and the bowl that held my emotions.  Both broke, and are now are cleaned up and thrown out.  Today, I taught Atticus that when two "e's" are together in a word, they say "e", as in "tree".  He did not talk "mean" once, something we have been working a lot on.  Elias came home from school and was so proud.  He passed his strings test, and is now playing the viola with the bow (he was just plucking before).  Dash picked out a great movie from the library for movie night tonight, and the popcorn is already popped.  I went and got some candles today, and I am going out on a date tonight.  They boys will be left in the hands of our 15 year old neighbor.  She is totally immature, but her parents are right next door and the movie is long, so I think it will be ok.  It is a lot to be grateful for.

Thank you for letting me have this moment to share.