November

We found a lovely farm in Berryville, outside of Leesburg, VA.  The town was full of old, cobblestone houses and stores, and was tiny.  I could totally have taken a dozen pictures of just the beautiful buildings, but all I had was my dumb phone camera, with an almost dead battery (I did not plan very well).  So I saved the battery life for a few shots of the kids at the farm.  There were tons of fun things for the kids to do, and animals to pet and feed.

Human-powered go-carts.

A strange but fun large orange pillow to jump and bounce on.

The greatest water feature ever.

Mr. Turkey.  He was so beautiful, a bright blue head and pretty feathers.  

Thomas Jefferson thought the wild turkey, not the bald eagle, should be the national bird.

And here is Elias knitting in the sunshine.  This is not how it looks outside anymore.  Now, it is gray.  Dark, misty, cold. Much more like November.

Last night, I pulled out all our Christmas books, and Atticus and I read Ollie's Ski Trip by Elsa Beskow. I just love that book, and it puts us in the mood for snow!  As much as I love sun and warmer weather, it seems natural for November to be cold and gray.  I nest, and turn on soft music, light candles, read to my children (Mary's Little Donkey!) and bake cookies.  

I am also getting Christmas presents ready.  Got some wooden dowels today to make something (secret)...and Atticus picked out some green glitter paint.  There is some elf work to be done! 

Strength

Sometimes, I don't feel like I can do it anymore.
Be positive
be patient
be loving
be tidy
be supportive
be nice
be the person i want to be.

Sometimes I want to eat whatever I want as much as I want and not exercise will power
and not exercise at all.

Sometimes I can hold it together for a long time.  Keep my families emotional bank full, take care and nurture everyone else's emotions, hold on.  Because I know I have a lot to be grateful for.  I know that.

Then, sometimes, I fall apart.  Something, one thing, happens, and the damn breaks.  The emotions come rushing out.  All the emotions that have been stored up inside, all the emotions that I take from my children, my husband, my friends.

Some people can immediately let emotions go.  I hold on to them.  Forever.  If something mildly upsetting happens to me, I think about it for days, months after.  A guy flipped me the finger while driving.  I still think about that;  "If only I could have told him what I was doing, explained my self, then he would not have thought bad about me and flipped me off..."
Any little thing that happens, I replay over and over.  Which is why I avoid conflict and stressful situations.  I don't want to have to think about how to smooth things over so I can avoid a moment that will be replayed and replayed.
And that kills me.  I mean it really kills me.  It drags me down, it makes me see the glass as half empty.

Do I think this is healthy?  Do you need to tell me how unhealthy this is, and how I should stop?
No, please don't.  I know it.  If I could stop, I would have done it already.  All I can say is, I am working on it.  I am working on letting go, of being more positive, of seeing all the things I have to be grateful for, of not feeling like a victim.

This morning, while I was making oatmeal for my boys, I dropped one of my favorite bowls.
It fell onto the granite counters, and shattered in a loud, ringing crash.  I thought I would be upset.  But, I wasn't.  It felt good.  Not that I wanted to break more, but it felt like something was released.  I am not perfect.  I am also not fragile and I know I have the strength to get through a lot tougher times than this.  I have pioneer woman blood in me, I know it.  I can feel it surge up anytime I think I am going to break, anytime the children wont stop fighting and lunches have to be packed and the house cleaned and we are late late late and have to go NOW!

I have to swallow my pride and return to work at a place I thought I was done with.  It did not work out for us here like we thought it would.  My year at home is ending at the half-way point.  Atticus will return to pre-school, and I to work.  We will return to the beloved home we left only 6 months ago, packing and unpacking again.

In a way, it is a fresh start, even though it is going back.  We have new ideas for our house, new ways of handling our family stress, new sense of how we want to live our lives.

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It is evening now, and I feel much better after my morning breaking of the bowl.  The bowl that held nothing and the bowl that held my emotions.  Both broke, and are now are cleaned up and thrown out.  Today, I taught Atticus that when two "e's" are together in a word, they say "e", as in "tree".  He did not talk "mean" once, something we have been working a lot on.  Elias came home from school and was so proud.  He passed his strings test, and is now playing the viola with the bow (he was just plucking before).  Dash picked out a great movie from the library for movie night tonight, and the popcorn is already popped.  I went and got some candles today, and I am going out on a date tonight.  They boys will be left in the hands of our 15 year old neighbor.  She is totally immature, but her parents are right next door and the movie is long, so I think it will be ok.  It is a lot to be grateful for.

Thank you for letting me have this moment to share.

Thankful

Thankful for a little boy who finally asked to learn to knit.  He learned in 1st grade, and hated it.  His handwork teacher told me, "it's ok, some people just don't like it".  I watched other little children take to it and knit up little sheep and bags.  Elias would not do it.  I tried to work with him, to force him.  I can't really believe it, but at a Waldorf school, knitting is a big deal, and I was a Waldorf teacher, and I knit, and darn-it, I wanted my child to be the star knitter!  Silly, right?  I got over it.   I thought, fine I will accept the fact I will not have a knitter.

Then, it happened.  

And he has taken to it.  He says knitting makes him happy, and when he knits, he gets quite relaxed, his voice lowers, and he talks.  A lot.  He is not a talker.  But when he is knitting, he lets it all out! I get to hear about all his thoughts.  I am so happy! 

He also knit outside this beautiful sunday, in the sunshine.  I asked him to watch Atticus for me, and he said "can I knit while I do it?" What a beautiful thing it is to watch children grow and change.

(I took a picture of him outside, but sadly, my camera is not working at the moment...)

Thankful for moments of quiet;

And moments of excited, loud, fun play;

All the neighbor kids came over to play in the giant leaf pile.  Their parents were busy bagging up leaves  in bags to be hauled off in trash trucks today.  They did not want the kids playing in the leaves, and messing up the piles.  Elias asked if we were bagging leaves or was our pile "strictly for fun".  Uh, strictly for fun, of course!  I had no intention of bagging up all those beautiful leaves into non-compostable bags when they are like vitamins to the lawn and soil!  Anyway, we all had fun.  (again, I had quite the collection of funny photos of them buried in leaves and playing that are all stuck in my camera...)

I am so thankful for the nice weather too.  Even the rain.  We took a walk in the rain and it smelled like wet leaves and fall.  It was beautiful. 

 I am thankful for our cozy house where we lit candles because it was dark at 5, and played soft music and UNO! over and over because it's Atticus's favorite game right now (it was Candyland, and I am pleased we have moved on).  

Thankful for family coming for a visit next week, and lots of Thanksgiving dinners with friends and family.

Thankful for friends who have showered me with good thoughts during a rather strange time in my life.  It is good to know I am missed.

Friday Foto 11-11-11

Happy 11-11-11!

I pulled this out of the archives because I am going through pictures, organizing, documenting, trying to do all those things I put off doing because I never had the time.   Now, I have some time. Finally!

This was taken back in 2004, when Dash was turning 1, and we lived in Ashland WI.  Since this picture has a 1 in it, and Dash loves numbers and number patterns, I thought it was appropriate for 11-11-11.   It was summer, which is beautiful in Ashland.  I love this picture. I had two small children, Elias was only 2.  That is his small head in the front of the picture.  He is eyeing those berries too.  I am sure it was a very difficult time, with two so small children, so close in age.  But I don't remember it being hard.  I don't remember franticness, lack of sleep, anger, resentment, and all the emotions that go along with motherhood.  I am sure I must have felt all those things and more.  But, what I remember is the good feelings. I remember  how much children this small need their family, that family is central and more important than anything else in the world.  All life revolves around the home.  Naps, meals, diaper changes, nursing, schedules, routines, all these things happen best when close to, or inside, home.  We did children's activities all day.  I pushed the boys in a stroller to the library for story time.  We made play-dough, we took lots of walks, we took lots of naps, the three of us were a unit.  They helped me do laundry, they loved to turn on music and dance while I cooked in the kitchen.  Dash learned to walk.  Elias taught Dash about trains and books.  I taught Elias how to use the potty (which required two weeks where we didn't leave the house/yard so we could be near a potty).  There was no walking around the house to find boys sequestered in their rooms, having self-imposed "alone time", as there is now .  There  was no break from the constant needs of the little children.  And yet, look at that beautiful cake I made!  All for that sweet little baby on his special day.  That cake was totally for him.  The other children got cupcakes.  But Dash got the whole cake placed on his tray.  He had never had something so sweet and special, (besides breast milk).  He loved the berries, and for years after (until this past birthday) he remembered that cake, and asked for it each birthday.  He is my summer baby, so berries were in season, and they taste so good.   I can't believe they are not that little anymore, and that in a blink, another 7 years will pass.  I would love to go back and snuggle that little squishy baby.  

We live in a beautiful world.

a turtle tangled in a plastic bag, its flipper has been amputated by the bag

I don't think I have the courage to face all the damage and suffering I have caused over the span of my life. Unintentional damage and suffering, caused by ignorance, in a country obsessed with stuff and power, instead of sustainability and preserving.  I do not have the stomach to see the result of all the plastic I've used, floating in the ocean, blowing around on the land.  All the toxins made by the making of the cement I walk on, the tar and asphalt I drive on.  The car I drive.  The car I drove, that is now sitting somewhere, doing nothing but making this beautiful world more ugly.  Animals killed, deformed, hurt, but my waste.

And not just animals, but people.  Humans infected with cancers.  Babies in the womb whose brains are damaged by mercury,  fertilizers, herbicides...

I get really depressed about the lack of interest humans have in preserving the environment.  All around me, there are businesses, families, schools, individuals who don't seem to put any thought into preserving the only thing keeping us alive; the planet.  How can the environment not be the #1 thing on the agenda at the every government level?  If the planet suffers, um, we all do.  I can't believe the number of people who simply don't recycle.
Two beautiful film about birds;
The first one is painful,
http://www.midwayjourney.com/

The second celebrates;
http://vimeo.com/31158841


Don't use plastic bags.  Or bottles.  Recycle. Create less waste.  Love more animals.  Treasure the planet.

What a day!

I didn't get enough sleep last night.  I had two little boys come into my bed, one who was "cold" and needed to cuddle, and one who came in because "it's just a habit".  A habit that needs to change if you ask me.  I love cuddling with my children.  But, I need to protect our sleep.  And, they squirmed and kicked all night.  Atticus still turns completely sideways in the night, and rests his feet on my middle.  If I don't get good sleep, I am  wreck the next day. And so are my kids if they don't get enough sleep.  

So, grumpy and tired, this is how I started the day...

I dropped a brand new container of yogurt on the floor.  The whole thing spilled out.  It was the large container, the "family size".  That was breakfast.  It was the yogurt I had been saving for a morning like this, where I was too tired to cook, and decided I would just give them granola and yogurt.  Then, I dropped it on the floor.  We all just stood there, looking.

"Well", as Atticus said as we watched Chance lick up the yogurt and clean the floor "Chance is our hero." Indeed.

On to plan B; Bagel and cream cheese

Anyone for green fuzzy sprinkles?

Ok, this is not going so well.  I did not have a sense of humor yet, it was too early.

  Keep that in mind.

After we figured out breakfast, we moved on.  I was ready to move on.

The boys did not have school.  It is parent-conference day for us, so I had to figure out what to do with all of them, not just the usual "one."

Dash was trying to prove he was a good child, (so don't believe what the teacher tells you in the conference!), so he got out all sorts of activities that were hiding in his closet;  metal embossing, beads for jewelry and Christmas ornaments;

Atticus does have pants on, but that's all I could get him to put on.  Usually he is naked. He loves being naked.  It's a phase. I just hope it's a phase.  

Here he is , fully clothed.  I must have bribed him with candy.

Forts built of cushions.

Playing outside.

Why is it ok when Elias ties Atticus to a tree, but not when I do it?

The witching hour; 5 o'clock, when everyone is ready for food, and they ask for snack, but there are no snacks to be eaten, lest we "spoil out dinner".  So, lets play music!!!

I swear, the chicken is almost done.  I am probably over cooking it, in fear of under cooking it, but it is taking FOREVER.  Soon, we will eat, then hopefully manage bedtime with a glass of wine to help (me that is).  

BTW, the conferences went well.  Not as bad as we were all thinking.  They boys are going to be ok.

And so am I.

Having a moment

Right now I am trying to transition.  There is a big change coming up in our lives, and I am going through all the emotions a transition can bring on; denial, anger, acceptance, happiness, fear, worry, joy, excitement, and all of those over and over again in no recognizable pattern.  My yoga practice is a necessary element in my day.  I feel it has saved my life so to speak, many times.  I started practicing in Nashville, and saw how it could help set my emotional state in balance.   I have continued doing DVD's at home, and am always so thankful for it.  My children are better off for it too.  I like that I am doing yoga at home, where my children can see me do it, and they come into the room, sometimes join me, sometimes just sit and be near me, playing or reading.  Atticus gets the most exposure to it, since he is home with me.  He loves to join in.  There are even days where I don't feel motivated to do it, and he will pull out the yoga mat, and do it himself.  I get inspired, and will join him.

We have a set of yoga pretzel cards, that I always bring on trips.  When we have been stuck in the car all day, or in a small hotel room, and the kids and I need to move, we pull them out.

Tripple down dog

Even Chance gets in the mood

A short movie

This was taken in a hotel room, during our move.

Whenever I feel out of balance, I know I should stop and carve out some yoga time.  I have been doing that a lot these days, as Wade and I try to figure out what we want the next step in our lives to look like.  There have been some difficult decisions made, and some tense moments.  Overall, I can say, I am confident we are going towards where we want to be.  It may take a few months of doing something we don't necessarily like, but it will get us going in the right direction.
We are going to be doing the things we love.  We are going to be deciding with our hearts as well as our heads.  We are going to try to be more balanced.   Just as yoga has taught me to balance my body, my emotions, and now, my life.

Friday Foto

Caught a picture of two boys who had fallen asleep snuggling in the same bed! I love that they still cuddle and want to be this close to each other.  They love this as much as I do!

Fall color of another kind

What happened to our slow move into fall?  I was not prepared for the snow that came two nights before Halloween, and I did not get the basil in time.  It is now brown and sad, out in the garden bed.  I learned my lesson, better safe than sorry when the weather man predicts snow.

The peas and beets seem just fine.  I ate some peas, and they taste pretty darn good, and are still growing.  The beets are beautiful, and are (hopefully) still secretly growing bulbous round roots.   

My mom got us this colorful mobile from the art museum.  It is made of pieces of what look like velum card-stock sewn together.  It is slightly opaque, which you cannot see from the pictures, but which makes light pass through the colored paper so beautifully.

It hangs in the door, and is stunning.  Thank you to my mom, and to the artist who created it.

What's for dinner and lunch???

Continuing in the theme of easy plan ahead lunches, I am documenting the quiche.  The fast, bestest ever quiche that can be eaten for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner! I am so grateful my children will eat veggies when they are surrounded by eggs and cheese and a buttery crust

 I add however many eggs I think I can use and still get through the rest of the week.  I try to buy eggs from farmers, or at least the local ones from Whole Foods, and they can be expensive.   I someday will be that person who owns egg laying hens, and wonders, "What shall we do with all these fresh eggs from our pasture hens?"  Until then, I am left, holding sacred each egg, and wishing for a larger egg budget. 

Add some whole milk

Add veggies and cheese.  Currently, we are loving sharp cheddar and spinach. I get the organic frozen spinach, and add it with generous hand-fulls.   

Pour into the afore mentioned buttery pie crust, and bake.  

There, now isn't that a pretty flower?

Dinner, with mashed pot's and brown rice.  

And, there is extra for tomorrow's lunch boxes.

This helps balance out any candy the switch-witch did not take, that made it into my children's blood and made them rotten.  Just rotten.  

(ps, the switch-witch comes at Halloween, takes the candy, and leaves some small presents in exchange.  She had no teeth, her skin is bad, and she has a stomach all the time which makes her MEAN!  And, she can't get enough candy)

What's for lunch?

I find packing lunches very difficult. Mostly because my childrens favorite foods are best enjoyed when they are made, not 5 hours later.  And, my children will not eat; cold pizza, soups, pasta salads, pb&j, egg/tuna/chicken salad, Dash will not eat raw veggies, and Elias will only eat strawberries for a fruit.  To me, it seems they are very picky and it is difficult to make a healthy lunch they will actually eat that's not loaded with carbs and empty calories.

Once upon a time, I would make pies.  Healthy pies, that my children LOVED! Sweet potato pie, apple pie, and quiche.  I don't put sugar in the sweet potato pie, and very little in the apple, and I can load up the quiche with veggies like spinach and kale, and my kids will still eat it. These pies will also taste good after sitting in the lunch box all morning, and they are easy to make in advance, pack, and are full of goodness.

Guess what I'm making again...
For starters, sweet potato pie, adapted from Molly Katzen's recipe somewhere in the back of my memory...

First a crust from The Art of Simple Foods

by Alice Waters

Then I put three baked sweet potatoes, some oranges (this time I used clementines)

Some yogurt, honey, eggs, and salt into a blender.

Blend, pour, and bake.  

Ding!  

We eat this with brown rice and something green...like broccoli or peas.  I used to make lemon poppyseed muffins to go along with this...hummmmmm

Ghosts!!!

One of Elias's most favoritest thing in all the world is meringue.  I only make it a few times a year, because it is mostly sugar, and because he cant stop himself from eating the whole lot of them in one day!  I make it at chirstmas, when I make the yule log, and what grows on the log but meringue mushrooms! I LOVE making the mushrooms. And for halloween, I make meringue ghosts.  Because, the kids don't get enough sugar from the candy they collect from strangers...

Meringue Ghosts:

4 largeeggwhites (120 grams)

1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar

1 cup (200 grams) superfine or castersugar(if you don't have superfine sugar simply take 1 cup (200 grams) granulated white sugar and process it for about 30 seconds in afoodprocessor)

1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Read more:http://www.joyofbaking.com/halloweenrecipes/MeringueGhosts.html#ixzz1cHJog4ge

Happy Halloween!

This creepy video comes to you from the band Dead Man's Bones.  It is a wishbone pulling a strange wheeled contraption through a town of tiny people.  It is like a bad dream full of dark, strange images and sounds...enjoy!